Heaven Help My heart
by Lady Eponine Black
Summary: Bellatrix, based on the song 'Heaven Help My Heart' from Chess.


_If it were love I would_

_Give that love every second I had_

_ And I do_

Every second was his, every minuet of the day, her every thought, every word, belonged to him and him alone. He was her lord, her god; he was the only one that mattered anymore. But already it had gone to far to be love.

_Did I know where he'd lead me to?_

Had she known? She had been so young, still a child really, when he had begun training her. If she had known, back then, what was to happen, who she would become, would she have turned back? Even when she had left Hogwarts, she could not have turned back. She had gone in to far, already she had been changed. Her only other path could not satisfy the woman she had become. But even as a child she had not been stupid. She could not have started training with him without knowing what it meant, what it could mean. But had she walked unwillingly into her fate? Or had she gone quietly? She could not remember. It was all a blur, those early years. It was so different now. Maybe part of her had known. Maybe not. Maybe it didn't matter.

_Did I plan doing all of this for the love of a man?_

At first it had been love, the blind adoration of a young girl. But even she knew that the Dark Lord could never love. To him, all she was, was a tool, a weapon, something he could use. It wasn't enough that she was the only woman in the dark lords inner circle. All she had wanted was his love. But years had passed, Azkaban changes you. No more was it love. It was obsession, blind obsession to a man who could never love. At first, everything had been for him, every murder, every torture, had been to hear his praise. She still did it for that, but now it was something more. It was the rush.

_Well I let it happen anyhow, and what I'm feeling now_

_Has no easy explanation_

_Reason plays no part._

_Heaven help my heart._

You could not feel, you had to push out all the feelings, you had to be impassive, uncaring. You had to try to forget, to block out love and any emotions that made you human. That had been her sisters' mistake. She would not be like them, never would she put her feelings before her duty, her loyalty, her lord. You had to have no feelings. You had to learn not to care, to watch without minding as your life flew apart, to stay loyal to him whatever the odds. Because under all that, you do still love him, faintly. And because of that, you must be the best, the most loyal, in order never let him know. Because his weapon can't have feelings. You had to hide your heart.

_I love him too much_

_What if he saw my whole existence?_

_Turning around a word, a smile, a touch_

You could never let him see how much you cared, never let him know what you felt. You had to be the best at Legilimance, because you could never let him see inside you. Close yourself of, and the rush of ending a life becomes you, becomes who you are, becomes your whole existence, and you can't stay sane for long. Because that's only all he can ever see of you. Because your love was too much, to strong. And he could never love.

_One of these days, and it won't be long,_

_He'll know more about me_

_Than he should_

She didn't fear death. Death would be an open release. What she feared was that he would realize the strongness of her affection. If he could love it would be different. But he didn't, so he scorned it, and anybody who loved. He would scorn her. So he could never know.

_All my dreams will be understood_

No one could ever understand her. She was too twisted, to dark, too much of a bottomless hole. To insane. The only person who could ever come close to understanding could not love, could not touch. No one could understand that it was something like a game, a wild, exhilarating chase, not mattering who won, to her it was all the same, the deep longings she hid from herself, the terrible ache that only killing could chase away, living in the moment, the rush of power that an unforgivable gave her, the closest thing that she had ever felt to happiness was watching a wizard scream in pain. It was all a whirlwind of broken dreams and closed doors that no one could ever understand. But him. And he didn't want to.

_No surprise_

_Nothing more to learn from the look in my eyes._

Wild, crazy eyes the purple color of a bruised sunset. Deep purple madness, dark insanity, the mad cackle of laughter, the hiss of air, the scream of victory. She was untouchable, alone, isolated behind a wall of violet.

_Don't you know that time is not my friend_

_I'll fight it to the end_

She was not afraid of death; she would have welcomed the deep, oblivious void. What she wanted was not to feel. But it was time that had stolen from her those precious hours, those long 13 years, and she would always go down fighting. never again would time be stolen from her again. Never would she be without him. And so a horcrux glittered around her neck, and there were 12 more hidden around the world, one for each year of her misery, her separation from him. To make even one horcrux was crazy, a terrible, twisted thing, and her Lord had seven. But maybe her soul was even more twisted then her masters.

_Hoping to keep that best of moments_

_When the passions start_

_Heaven help my heart._

He had looked at her once, 15 years ago, and she thought she had seen love in his eyes. But she had been twisted, broken, even then, and her eyes must have been playing tricks on her. but his eyes were all she had seen those 13 years. it is not hard to convince you'reself that he loves you. what had been the hardest was seeing him after her relese. for 13 years she had been living in dreams. So many things can lead to insanity. But her passion for him had never died, even though it had lain so long under lies and deceit.

_The day that I find_

_Suddenly I've fun out of secrets_

_Suddenly I'm not always on his mind_

She knew that she was not his favorite anymore. It was that greasy haired Snape, that filthy liar. She could see that he was really with the order, that he was Dumbledors servant, she was not blind. And it was all so obvious. She did not know why the Dark Lord listened to him, believed him. It was all lies. Why couldn't her Lord see the truth? She was a better Legilimance then Snape; she could see what he was hiding, even if her Lord could not. And she would do anything to get him to listin to her.

_Maybe it's best to love a stranger_

_Well that's what I've done - heaven help my heart_

_Heaven help my heart._

He was a stranger. All theses years she had given her love to a stranger who did not care, a man who could not love. And she could not turn back, she was in too deep. She did not want to turn back. She loved him. But she was crazy, and he could not love. It was hopeless, yet she had fallen to far to climb up now. It was to late for forgivness. And she loved him. Nothing could change that. And she'd know better next time. They all would.


End file.
